So Jake has been having some issues at school. Being the person I am (very anti school and wanting to pull Jake out every 5 seconds) I was very quick to just think that was the answer and would solve all the ills in the world.
I have taken stock a bit and realised that even if he did come out of school the issues would remain.
So what is the problem? Basically Jake is learning that people are different and that we are different to most of the kids in his school in terms of our lifestyle and diet. We have been open and honest with Jake about why we eat the way we do (health and ethically) and have always answered his questions as frankly as he could.
This means he has a food vocabulary that goes something like:
“Oh, I see you have a cheese dunker in your lunch box, they have way too much salt for a child”
“Is that a penguin bar? You’ll have a sugar low later and won’t be able to concentrate”
“Ham? You do know that is dead pig don’t you? Poor pigs”
Now, we appreciate that he is 5 and this might be a bit OTT but everything he says is based on fact, and what his 5 year old brain can’t understand is that not every child (or parent) knows as much about food as he does, and probably doesn’t want to know. That is their choice and right.
Last week Jake started telling us he didn’t want to go to school any more, he didn’t want to be different any more and was asking why he can’t eat the same food as everyone else……after lengthy discussions with his teacher it transpires that his honesty about foods has been “worrying” the other children so he was spoken too about how it was not appropriate to comment on peoples lunch box contents.
I can understand this, we have had lots of conversations as a family, not just about food, about how what we say can hurt peoples feelings. If you don’t like someone’s coat and tell them they might be upset. If a kids new haircut doesn’t look right just smile anyway etc etc. So I can understand a gentle reminder about being careful around talking about the food issue might have been needed.
What is apparent though, is that in order to not worry the other children around Jake, he himself has been caused worry. He now feels like, not only is his diet radically different from the majority of his school friends, but that it is now a taboo subject that he must not even mention.
This has thrown him into turmoil.
There is no real answer to the school/food debate issue right now. Where we are in our lives means, currently, he has to attend school, and if he is going to do that then the school he is at is the one I would pick every time. Plus he loves going most of the time, has lots of friends, and runs in in the morning.
So, we needed a new strategy.
We have always told Jake that the person responsible for his happiness is him, with his Dad and I being a very close second. That if he is unhappy with anything he needs to think about what is making him unhappy and how/if he can change things. That he should be honest and frank and not afraid to be different. That being different is how we learn new things and make new discoveries about the world and about ourselves. But his 5 year old brain has not quite got it yet.
Tonight after school I asked him to tell me all the things he loves about his life. He threw himself into it, talking about his hobbies, his favourite games etc etc. We wrote this all out on a big list.
Then I got some lego men (or blokeys as they are called in this house) and set up a circle on the table. Jake was the middle blokey (with the green helmet and diving suit – we like to mix and match). I got him to think about one of the things on the list. He chose being able to have swimming lessons.
Then I acted out another blokey (Mr no arms with the wonky smile) telling Jake he didn’t like his lunch.
I asked Jake how that made him feel.
He said “sad”.
I asked Jake to think about his swimming. Does the boy not liking his lunch change how much Jake loves swimming?
No.
So, if someone says they don’t like your lunch what can you do?
Ignore them and think about swimming and other good things in our lives.
The next acted out scenario was someone pushing in in a line (a pet hate of Jakes, he loves to moan about bad manners!).
Jake said that made him angry.
I asked if that “pusher inner” affected his love of playing in the garden.
No.
So we can ignore the person/their actions and think about things that make us happy.
He seemed to really pick up the idea quickly. What I hope is that he can stop fretting and worrying when he feels different or is around behaviour that makes him uncomfortable, and instead concentrate on HIMSELF and his life and his actions.
He can’t change the world (yet, mark my words there is a world dictator in him desperate to get out) but he can change how he is thinking about the world and about himself.
Actually, my husband said to me, after giving my idea the big thumbs up, that we should physically do our own lists too, they might come in very handy the next time someone asks me why if I am vegetarian I don’t eat fish. Or the next time someone cuts me up at a roundabout 
Anyway the list is pride of place on our living room wall and we will encourage Jake to read it and think about the things he loves often, in the hope that he can learn to ignore negative or upsetting comments/actions and forge ahead creating his own amazing life. Fingers crossed.
